The Life of a Crafty Queen Bee Blog

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Help the help July 20, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — queenbeemegan @ 11:40 pm

Oh my goodness…do I attract freakshows? Do I have a stamp on my forehead that says, “If you are insane, come work for me”? I recently went out with my dear friend Karen, who has been an employee of mine at three different companies. I’m a great boss, what can I say?

We were reminiscing about the weirdos we worked with and I have decided that I could have a reality show about customer service retail employees. I already have a title picked out for my show; “How Can I help you, bitch”? Let me introduce to you my top five all time freakiest past employees…

5. Miss Poor Missouri – This idiot couldn’t budget her paycheck to
clothe her son, but she sure could smoke two packs a day.
My final straw: When she said she couldn’t afford toilet paper and
asked me if she could take some from our store restroom.

4. Miss Drag Queen – Dude looked like a lady and apparently
partied so hard that on her Sunday shifts she would hole up in
the handicap dressing room and take a nap.

3. Miss Do You Wanna Get High?- Apparently I was the only one
who didn’t know Miss Doobie was higher than a kite at work, all
day, every day. My bad. Since I don’t smoke the reefer, I don’t
know the side effects or what to check for; although my first clue
should’ve been when a friend brought me a bbq plate from her
auntie’s birthday party and I ate a little bit, offering the rest to Miss
Doobie. She cleaned it and licked the paper plate in 3.7 seconds,
while gulping down the rest of my grape soda.

2. Back Fat – This was a tough choice to make her #2 and not crown
her, but you’ll soon find out why she is not in the top slot. I totally
understand if you are a big girl and need to wear plus -sizes…I’m
all for it, because I am large and in charge…BUT, I wear clothing
that fits me. I don’t try to squeeze into a large juniors size baby
tee when I know my muffin top will be showing. Back Fat got her
name wheh she would continue to wear low rise pants and too
small t-shirts that would roll up in the back area. It wasn’t pretty.
In addition to that visual, let me offer up another tidbit of lovely info
on Employee of the Year runner up: she loved to go online and
sign up for dating services and have the men come to the store
while I wasn’t there. She claims it was safer for the men to come
to a public location rather than her house. Obviously we’re dealing
with a member of MENSA here, so please, let’s cut her some
slack. When the mens weren’t coming to the store, she was
instant messaging them on our company computer system. Our
IT department got a whiff of this and printed out several hundred
pages of conversations. My district manager came in to fire her
and was so mad, I literally saw steam coming from her ears. My
DM read some of the lines from the conversations and my jaw
dropped. I am rarely speechless…I am usualy the crude one and
inappropriate…even I heard some new words and I think there were
descriptions of new positions I have never tried and I’m not sure I
want to…I’m not a human pretzel.

1. Cape Pension – (Drum roll please…….) We have come to our #1
crazy employee. She was with the company for 17 years when I
came in as the Store Manager. She was still a sales associate
and quite possibly the laziest, meanest, smelliest, rudest person I
have ever laid eyes upon. Apparently she went through several
managers and was quite proud of her success rate at scaring
them and other employees off due to her horrible attitude. Why
was she not let go years and years ago, you ask? Good
question; I asked that at least twenty-three times over the year I
was there. She had a Cape/shawl/sweater/piece of crap thing
she would wear day in and day out, regardless if it was 98 degrees
or eleven below. She was so proud of this cape; she said she got
it at a tag sale. I don’t think it was ever washed. Ever. It could
literally stand up on it’s own. Karen and I used to hide it from
her. We also plotted ways to burn it. It smelled like dog poop
left out in the sun for four days and then mixed with outdated
milk. Besides her cape smelling, she would take shit breaks for
a half our at a time, stinking up the entire backroom and clogging
the damn toilet because she used half a roll of toilet paper at a
time. I wrote her up several times but the company wouldn’t let
me fire her. I finally left because of another job offer and Karen
took my place. Karen finally got to fire her. A few weeks after
Karen let her go she received a magical letter from the Cape
Employee asking when she would start receiving her pension. I
am still laughing about this and it’s four years later.

That is all folks. Glad to be back with my rants and have a good night. xoxo Megan

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2 Responses to “Help the help”

  1. kim Marie Says:

    LMAO:) You are hilarious and so right on 🙂

  2. K8 Says:

    can you publish 6-10 and make it a ‘Top 10’ list?


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